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BEND YOUR MIND OFF
with The Collapsable Giraffe

New Wave Hookers

Jimmy: You know... did you know I used to play tennis?

Jamal: What?

Jimmy: I said, 'I used to play tennis.' When I was going to Berkeley, I used to play tennis with all these pimps who used to hang around the area, I mean, they had nothing to do all day, so they fuckin' played tennis. Ever wonder what it's like to be a pimp, man? Fuckin' pimp.

Jamal: Aw, man, I betcha it's a bunch a bullshit.

Jimmy: Hey!

Jamal: It's got to be trouble. All them different chicks calling you up at all hours.

Jimmy: That fuckin' guy looks exactly like you. Is that you?

Jamal: Shit! That nigger don't look nothin' like me, man. You know, these flicks are really weird. Makes be wanna go out and box some shit.

Jimmy: Yeah, but you gotta find 'em and buy 'em. See, if we were pimps, we'd have all the pussy we wanted, and the good life.

Jamal: Good life! Foxy girlfriends, love, money... yeah, you weird. Now, where we be findin' chicks?

Jimmy: Hustlin', man. I mean, chicks love me. And I'm not talkin' about some bullshit old fashioned kind of fuckin' massage parlor, I'm talkin' about somethin' new, baby. I'm talkin' about something the world's never seen before. You get today's chicks, man. You get these bitches, you open up a place called New Wave Hookers. I'm serious, man, you pick these chicks up, you get 'em programmed to fuck by music, man. That's what you do.

Jamal: Man, you are really flippin'. Program the chicks to music... to fuck? Jimmy, man, you are too hot to handle... but you a trip.

Jimmy: Get those real nasty bitches, man, real nasty bitches... do anything, you know? Do anything. Yeah, that's right.

Jamal: Yeah... and I could run the place.

Jimmy: Yeah. Me and you.

Jamal: And we could really lay some pipe on the chicks.

Jimmy: I'm gonna start you off right, baby. A pimp calls a chick 'bitch.' You got that? 'Bitch.'

Jamal: Bitch.

Jimmy: Yeah, 'bitch.'

Jamal: Yeah... we could really laysome pipe... on tha bitches!

Jimmy: Yeah, that's right!

Jamal: Hey, Jimmy! Wake up, man! Get yo ass in gear! We got to make some money... get these bitches workin'!

Jimmy: Jamal, ancient Japanese custom says, uh, 'A Japanese gentleman now must sample a young white women, before they work.' Ha ha ha...

Jamal: Shit! You ain't black. I'm the only one who can taste the bitches, until I say different.

Jimmy: Fuck you, negro. You are stupid. If you are not careful, I uh open own geisha service, with uh take out sushi bar for uh competition. Ha ha ha...

Jamal: Yeah, well, you just go on and do it, if you think you pimp enough. Frankly, I don't think you even got it, man. I think you a dead head, a rat's ass and a fool, to boot! You oughta open up a laundromat, you fake, honky Chinese!

Jimmy: Honky Chinese, ah? Ha ha ha ha...

Dog: Ring...ring...ring...

Jamal: New Wave Hookers, Incorporated, what can I do you for? What!? We're a ho'in' service, not a pool service, shit!

Jimmy: One thing more, negro... why do we not have a regular telephone. Why does a low life bum say uh, 'Ring...ring,' and somebody on line?

Jamal: Because he got the power... the second sight. Hell, he catch more bitches than you do, and he been my dog for years, so just fuck you, chump!

Dog Fight

Jamal: Stop this shit, before you tear up my mother fuckin' office! That's enough! Down, boy! Down! Crazy ass mother fuckers! And don't think you ain't gonna clean up this shit, too.

Dog: Ring...ring...ring...

Jamal: New Wave Hookers, Incorporated, what can I do you for? Two hot bitches? Yeah, we'll send them right over immediate... but I gotta warn you about one thing. If you want to screw these bitches, you gotta be playin' that new wave music... you know, that silly ass rock and roll shit? Huh? No, man...

Dog (pitch shift down): Ring...

Jamal: Gotta be strictly the new wave. Yeah, they be the finest bitches, too. Don't worry. You can trust me. Hey, Jimmy! Untie Nora and Palace! We got us a high rollin'... A-rab!

Jimmy: Oh ho ho, yes. You make uh lots of money, huh?

Jamal: You got it, jack. You got it.

Jimmy: But, Jamal-san... are you sure that beauteous Nora and the lovely Palace are, uh, sufficiently conditioned for job?

Jamal: Shit! I've had them bitches hooked up to that ho'in' machine for over 12 hours, now, and they'd better be able to turn at least one trick, or I know I'm goin' to be kickin' some ass around here.

Jimmy: Right on... right on... you the boss, Jamal-san. Ho ho ho...

Jimmy: Uhhhh... I'm hungry, Jamal. You think a rat's ass is a good delicacy for a Japanese gentleman?

Jamal: Nah... You oughta eat some sushi. It makes you more Chinese.

Jimmy: Ah! Sushi more Chinese! A good idea... good idea.

Jimmy and Jamal: Sushi! Sushi! Sushi!

Dog: Ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...

Jamal: What?

Dog: Ring...

Jamal: No, we ain't got no humpbacks, hornheads, pigheads or pot heads. We only got the natural bitches. Yeah, New Wave Hookers that's right, fool. They the hottest bitches around. That's right. Only thing is... the little problem is that you got to play them that new wave music. Now, if you play it for 'em, they'll fuck you all day, for a nominal fee, OK, fool?

Jimmy: Oh, Jamal, what customer want?

Jamal: Customer want a humpback bitch. You don't know any humpbacks, do you? All we gots is the natural bitches. They may be a little freaky, sometimes.

Jimmy: Humpbacks bitches, no... but, I know a gentleman who have a midget bitches. He say, uh, that when a chick opens a car door, she exactly right height for, uh, give a customer a blow job.

Jamal: Let me tell you about somethin' that's really fine. Down in Borneo they got this place where these dicks walk around... Jissom Bodies! Yeah, they got these dicks runnin' around and they be chasing bitches and they got these Dick Catchers that run after 'em to catch 'em. They take 'em out, they train 'em, and then sell them to these high class chicks for toys. Yeah. Now, what would you do if you was walking along the road and you and your old lady was at-tack-ed... by a Jissom Bodied Dick?

Jimmy: I would, uh, spear that nasty thing.

Jamal: Oh, shit! Them bitches I done left reconditioning for 2 days, man! They horny as hell!

Ian and Myra

Ian: I'm coming to your party tonight.

Myra: Yes.

Ian: I'll bring some beer.

Myra: You don't have to, we...

Ian: German beer.

Myra: Okay, fine. I still have to tell mom and dad about you. I haven't said anything, yet.

Ian: That's all right. I'll be there at eight. You can count on me.

Myra: I'm sure I can.

Ian: Not that I want to discuss myself.

Myra: I guess I can appreciate that about you.

Ian: You appear to be quite clever. Just looking at you I can tell.

Myra: I'm not fishing for compliments.

Ian: Anyway, that's pretty nice haircut.

Myra: Not that I think it's gonna make you change.

Ian: I don't remember lying, but I don't care.

Myra: There will be something to eat, too.

Ian: I eat very little. To me, physical conditioning is second only to mental concentration.

Myra: I'll want to join you.

Ian: It'll tone your muscles.

Myra: I won't forget that.

Ian: We'll have our moment in the sun. Hesitate to die. Look around.

Myra: I'll listen to you.

Ian: Look around.

Ian: I showed you the photographs. What did you think?

Myra: They turned me on. I started getting hot. They're powerful.

Ian: Can you imagine a time when what we have going won't be enough?

Myra: If you want to.

Ian: The front we put up when we're not here. This 'just friends' business. It's oppressive. Being polite to everyone. It's not easy for me... oh no, wait... yes it is... uh, did I say something?

Myra: I don't know. Maybe.

Ian: I'm feeling a little hungry. Do we have any food?

Myra: Let me have a look in the fridge.

Ian: Roast beef sandwich...

Myra: Apple pie la mode.

Ian: Quahogs on the half shell.

Myra: Fettucine Alfredo.

Ian: Corn on the cob.

Myra: Blueberry pancakes!

Ian: And a six pack of beer. Will you bring me a beer?

Myra: I don't have any more money. Will you help me out?

Ian: Are you crazy? Your imprudence will have to be punished.

Myra: Thanks. Your indulgence is great.

Ian: You will have mercy.

Myra: Thank you.

Ian: The mercy is mine.

Ian: You know why I had to hit you.

Myra: You always know what you are doing.

Ian: You can never make a mistake twice.

Myra: I am beginning to realize that.

Ian: I bought a book. I'd like you to read me a passage from it.

Myra: I'll do my best.

Ian: Here. Begin on this page.

Myra: Justine had the fat, baldheaded priest up her anus. He caused her tremendous pain, but if she cried out, it would mean the death penalty. The priest stuck it in her with incredible force and she let out an involuntary whimper. Father Jacques then called out, 'Come, my brothers, chastise this wayward creature. Fetch the cat o' nine tails.' The other priests came and brought all manner of torture instruments with them. Justine had all she could do to remain conscious. Father Jacques withdrew his gigantic member from her anus, and her body began to relax, just as the first blow landed- precisely between her legs. Father Jacques said, 'I need a woman as cold and inhuman as I am. One who will carry out,without question, my every command.'

Ian: The girl was tougher than the boy. Strange, really strange.

Myra: The barbed wire caused her a great deal of pain, yet she never once begged for mercy.

Ian: Still, there was fear in her eyes. Did you see it?

Myra: Certainly, but hunger affected her first. When I held the piece of bread in front of her eyes, they crossed. Did you see it, did you?

Ian: I did. Though I was scrutinizing the subject for possible signs of shame. But the thing is beyond any feeling of shame.It is. It was.

Myra: Yes, strange. Certainly. We'll have to make a note of that. Inferiority corresponds to diminished natural

Ian: It almost made me lose my temper. Before my eyes a naked creature... and no effort made to cover the place between its legs. My anger at the thought of this kind of thing... supposedly with the same right to life as us. It nearly made me forget our plan to make the experiment last longer.

Myra: I commend your self restraint.

Ian: Thanks, Myra.

Myra: Surely this thing has no soul? I can answer that question, myself.

Ian: Make notes and I'll check them. We 'll have to build upon this.

Maggie's Contra



Maggie: LEARN WITCHCRAFT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE IF YOU WISH TO SURVIVE, you ignorant Americans... is the message I am getting.

(diagram of a "Jew" on all fours whose spinal column had been ripped in two)



Amy: Aaaauuuggh! I actually witnessed a massive vacuum that was being used to suck spiritual energy out of America and Germany!

Maggie: They've used the idea of having German children with American women as a tactic to destroy us.

Amy: The children can be used to take all positive attributes out of blood and family.

Maggie: Effect?

Amy: To destroy American children so future generations will be insane.

Maggie: But, Eventually Hate Incorporated will...

Eric: OPEN UP! We want the motherfucker in the dress!

Maggie: Shit! German thugs! Get the Lamps, knic-knacks, BMW2000...

Amy: Gingerbread cookies, etc...!

Scott: Jah, Open UP! Open UP!

Amy: Shit! We must destroy all useless and harmful German Objects

Maggie: Cars, store windows, "great art", etc...

Jim: Yes.

Eric: OPEN UP! We want the motherfucker in the dress!

Amy: Get out of here, or I'll call the cops, you German slime!

Eric: OPEN UP! We want the motherfucker in the dress!

Maggie: Shit! Big Man! Big Dick!

Iver: I'll pay you each 5 bucks if you fuck them!

Scott: You know it! Open UP!

Eric: OPEN UP!

Amy: Big Dick!

Iver: Come on!

Eric: OPEN UP!

Maggie: Big Dick!

Jim: Good.

Iver: JAH!

Eric: OPEN UP! (pause) OPEN UP! (pause) Open Up... (pause) It's no use... I'm too old... I have no more pasty cheerfulness...

Scott: Eric, I don't want you to be a faggot!

Eric: But, Scott...

Iver: Why do you have to do this to me now?

Scott: Huh?

Eric: Huh?

Iver: Thanks for giving me advance notice, bitch.

Scott: But, it's not me, it's "The Bitches"

Iver: "The Bitches"?

Eric: Jah, "The Bitches"

Scott: Jah its... Ok. We talk about it outside.

Jim: Mmmmm...

Maggie: Hey!

Amy: Hello, I'm waiting anxiously...

Jim: OK! That was good. Now I want you to try it again. See if you can make it look a little more natural. I think the way to change the situation is in a sort of anarchy; not an anarchy that is combined with terrorism nor one that conceives of life without feeling, without pain...everyone has to become himself to hope. It's not up to me to tell him what to hope; if I do this, I dominate him. We have to find new modes that everyone can feel or know...there could be a form of life which is important to live.

Scott: Why don't YOU come out here and get a hard on, huh?

Jim: Well, Scott, I'm sure you will be happy to know that when you die, you will die with a hard on. All men with pussy envy do.

Scott: You mean males as well as females think that men are women and women are men?

Jim: Yes, Scott. Now get on top of him and ride him for the Fatherland!

Amy: Big Man with Big Dick tearing off a big piece

Jim: No, Amy.

Amy: Egocentric, unable to relate, empathize or identify

Jim: No, AMY (Amy gives Jim a blow job). If you look at women seriously, you can't show them better or poorer or I don't know what than they are in reality, because, since they have been oppressed a long time, they have found ways of overcoming it and if you show precisely these possibilities, it says more about oppression than would a simplistic black and white/bad and good "painting" of the poor woman as opposed to the tyrannical man. This doesn't prove anything. A few remaining men can exist out their puny days dropped out on drugs or strutting around in drag or breeding in cow pastures.

Eric: But didn't you like the way I bit and chewed your flabby flesh like a filthy rabid mutt slavering for a taste of real meat?

Jim: Eric, were you drinking tonight?

Maggie&Amy: YES.

Jim: Do you think maybe you drank too much?

Eric: No, I don't think so.

Jim: Let me give you a bit of advice. From now on, drink fruit juice or milk. Alcohol is not good for you. Drink milk.

Iver: What about beer?

Jim: No, that's private.

Eric: You drink it. Why can't we?

Jim: No. No. That's private.

Scott: Eric is a good man. He doesn't belong in jail. Please let him out. I'm lonely.

Amy: A lot of the new-wave bands didn't last very long. I think that's a blessing. To me, that's the problem with anyone that has a band. All my projects are based on this: you have a concept, you develop it, you execute it, you do the next thing.

Chicks do GG Allin



Maggie: Uh, we started our last tour in February of '92. Uh, the tour lasted six shows and, uh, in that time I was arrested twice, uh, the last show was Austin, Texas, where I was arrested for indecent exposure and disorderly conduct...

Amy: ...and assault and battery ...

Maggie: and, uh... uh, that stemmed, uh, from, uh,

Erin: ...the show...

Maggie: ...but, uh, they decided to extradite me back to Michigan...

Erin: where she had a warrant...

Maggie: Well, we barely expect to finish a show, but I mean, that's...

Amy: I don't care. I mean, uh... I don't care if we don't finish a show...

Maggie: 'cause as long... if I fuck somebody up, if we fuck the club up, or...

Erin: ...Basically, if I can get my revenge and...

Maggie: ...get the release out of me that I feel like getting out, then for me it's a successful show because I'm not out to please anybody but myself. ...it...it... I mean it didn't matter, because... I mean it... it's just pretty much the way I feel now, I think violence is a very important thing and I think if you want something...

Amy: ...then you just got to take it...

Maggie: And... and, you know I don't have time to waste on, you know, submitting a piece of paper or going to a protest rally, if I want something, I can just fucking take it ...

Erin: yeah, fucking take it...

Maggie: or... or I can, you know, hold you up, or stick a gun in your face, or whatever I got to do, and... and... and... that's pretty much what we do on stage, as well, I mean, I've had people on stage, I've held hostages on stage, I had a girl, one time, at knife point...

Erin: you had a knife to her throat and...

Maggie: and then I... I, one time, I think in Connecticut...

Erin: ... fuck Connecticut!!!

Maggie: ... there was a whole lot of people who didn't want to pay to get in, it was this real preppy type of college

Amy: ... that really sucked...

Maggie: So we let 'em all in and they thought...

Amy: 'Wow! Well, we're getting in to the show for free!'

Maggie: ...and then I went out and beat the shit out of 'em and stole their money, anyway. Somebody asked us the other day why we couldn't get a show in New York City and...

Amy: ...it might have had something to do with the Show World Show that we did.

Maggie: Uh... uh, what?

Erin: Back in in '91?

Maggie: Yeah, it was... well it was over 15 months ago, uh... the show lasted 7 minutes and, uh... there were two...

Erin: There were 3 police cruisers and 2 ambulances and...

Amy: Yeah...

Maggie: ...the cops came in and shut us down and ever since then none...

Amy: ...None of the clubs in New York will touch us...

Maggie: But, I mean, to me it's all, like, this... these people in New York are more concerned about how they look and...and how many fucking, uh...

Erin: People they can hold on to to climb up the social ladder and...

Amy: and, you know, we...we're just not involved in that game at all, we're just...

Maggie: You know, if I see a crowd of people and they're a bunch of trendy people, I'm just gonna go up and fuck 'em up and...

Erin: Just knock their fucking face...

Amy: You know, just punch 'em right in the fucking face...

Maggie: and... you know, 'cause I just don't... I just don't have time for that. If you can't make it on your own, you gotta climb using somebody else and... and you're obviously a fraud to begin with so...

Amy' Contra



Scott is on the couch; Jim & Eric are doing bad things to him

Jim: I was on parole at the time and... I just pretty much said "Fuck you" to my parole agent... he had too many restrictions on me, and I just can't live with any sort of restrictions, so I gave him the big Kiss Off and hit the road.

Eric: Assault and battery, outstanding warrant, naked fascism, dirt, cops at all the shows...

Jim: ...and I ended up in the hospital, but that's, I mean, when you hit the road with me, you've gotta expect that you're all, you know somewhere down the line you're gonna end up in jail or in the hospital...

Eric: We basically hang out with each other, because I don't really have that many friends...

Scott: Mommy! Mommy!

Jim: I've always been the type of person who uh... never really liked to be around people, anyway... I've always been, uh, a one man army, you know...

Eric: The truth is, I don't belong to the so-called clique, or rather, elite.

Iver: Ring Ring

Maggie and Erin arrive, garishly dressed

Maggie: Twelve's no baby. I see no reason to be ashamed.

Erin: It's the law.

Maggie: The law is costing her a lot of work.

Jim: Sit down. We don't have any razors.

Maggie: Somebody asked me the other day why we couldn't get a show in New York.

Eric: Nice piece of cunt.

Erin: We should get some professional training.

Jim: Let's fuck 'em.

Maggie: I respect the law, but I don't agree with it.

Eric: Gotta do it.

Jim: How much you charge for a foot job?

Eric: Time to lay some pipe!

Jim and Eric attack; a scuffle ensues. They are unprepared for Erin & Maggie's secret weapon

Iver: Ring Ring

Erin: Trip the electric lock!

Maggie: SWINE!

Jim: THIS IS ALL JUST A SHOW!

Erin: SWINE!

Maggie: The conflict is not between female and male, but between SCUM dominant, secure, self-

Eric: Horny piece of cunt!

Jim: We just want a little of your sweet pussy.

Scott: I'M ULRIKE MEINHOF!

Jim: You dirty slut, don't scratch me. confident, nasty, violent, selfish, independent, proud, thrill-seeking, free-wheeling, arrogant females fit to rule the universe, who have free-wheeled to the limits of this "society" and are ready to wheel on to something new...

Erin: ...and nice, passive, accepting, "cultivated", polite, dignified, subdued, dependent, scared, mindless, insecure, approval-seeking Daddy's Girls, who can't cope with the unknown, who want to continue to wallow in the sewer of the familiar, who feel secure only with Big Daddy...

Eric: BIG MAN!

Erin: ...standing by, with a big...

Jim: BIG DICK!

Erin: ...strong man to lean on, and a fat, hairy face...

Eric: TEARING OFF A BIG PIECE!

Erin: ...in the White House...

Jim: Oww! Fuckin' fucker!

Maggie: ...who are too cowardly to face up the hideous reality of what a man is, what Daddy is, who have cast their lot with the swine, who have reduced their minds, thoughts and sights to the male level, who are dismissed an inconsequents by other females.

Eric: I'M ULRIKE MEINHOF!

Erin: SWINE!

Jim: I'M ULRIKE MEINHOF!

Scott: I'M ULRIKE MEINHOF!

Eric: Help! Help!

Maggie: Oh, shut up, you fucking macho fucking asshole.

Erin: Get off the fucking couch asshole.

Maggie: Quick -- bring the hood, whips, and a dog.

Jim: Stop pulling my hair!

Eric: Jim, you're talking to a plant.

Maggie: Now, make sure the teeth marks are good and blue. It's important that we see them and recognize them for what they are.

Scott: Unggggh!

Eric: MmmMMUHHH!

Erin: Breathe deep, breath deep.

Jim: Mhh UUUUnnngggghhhh!

Erin: That's it. We're done. The rest of you puny days you can strut around in drag or passively drape yourself high tension wires.

Amy's Contra Page 2



Eric: You want it, don't you?

Scott: Mommy! Mommy!

Scott: Deeper, darling, deeper I wanna feel you deep inside.

Eric: Deeper, darling, deeper I wanna feel you deep inside.

Scott: Is it deep enough?

Jim: Is it deep enough?

Scott: I love you.

Eric: I love you.

Scott: It's so good.

Jim: It's so good.

Scott: Faster!

Eric: Faster!

Scott: Oh, darling, I think I'm gonna come.

Jim: Oh, darling, I think I'm gonna come.

Jim, Eric & Scott: Louie! Louie!

Maggie: THAT'S IT! Get on your knees and beg.

Jim, Eric & Scott: Louie! Louie!

Erin: On your knees and beg.

Jim, Eric & Scott: Louie! Louie!

Maggie: On your fucking knees. Who's buying me a whiskey?